Understanding and Building a Heritage of Love: The Rest of the Story

WARNING! Disclaimer: Read this blog post (by Judy) at your own risk. You must read Doug’s blog entry entitled, “Understanding and Building a Heritage of Love,” FIRST, then mine.
This post is in response to his queries. You’ll understand. Tissues are advisable. Allow enough time. I am a detail-oriented person. I love to proofread, deep clean drawers and WEED! Assuming most who read my post will be female, I will continue. It’s all in the details, right?!


Saturday, May 27, 1972…a day that changed my life forever! In writing this down, I am realizing the strong heritage threads that helped me along my path to Doug. Here is my brief version of our love story, filled with my heritage-rich values and traditions.

As Doug said, I was VERY naïve (and gullible)! I was a city girl and lived in Arlington, Virginia my whole life until I married Doug. I knew nothing of hunting, fishing, animals or pets (except one carnival-won goldfish who met its fate when I cleaned the fishbowl out in the sink).
My brother had a parakeet “Greeny” who could wolf whistle and say, “I hate school,”
“Pretty baby,” and “I love you!” We found Greeny dead in his cage upon returning from a family vacation.

I loved life and learning, the English language, math, music, the outdoors, sewing, sports, cooking, writing, handicrafts, and people. I loved the Savior and my religion was my life. I was very obedient, excelled in school and anything I pursued. I began singing acapella with my three sisters when I was 5 years old and we won a county-wide talent show singing
“The Toothbug Song.”

All my siblings and parents were college graduates and served missions. I always planned to serve a mission and graduate from college. This kept my interests focused on my future and helped me avoid the high school love life. Classical music, the Beach Boys (thanks to my brother!) and the Carpenters were favorites.

I received a special blessing when I was 10 years old and always felt from then on that I would know immediately the man I was to marry when I met him. This blessing influenced my words, my actions, and my prayers. I received subsequent blessings as I requested them and they all were a significant help throughout my teenage years. Because I fell in love so easily (I was boy crazy), these blessings kept me on the straight and narrow. As I would date, I would think,
“Is he the one or a possibility?” If I couldn’t answer yes, I wouldn’t date the guy again. (I didn’t feel it was fair to lead him on if I already knew I wouldn’t be marrying him.) So I dated a lot of young men, but the majority, only once. Because of my standards and receiving “no” answers to my prayers, I broke several hearts along the way (…Ben, Archie, John, Joel, Bob, Wayne, Lee…)

I always looked for the good in others. I truly loved everyone. Some of my favorite family sayings and mottos were:
• If you can’t find something nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.
• Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.
• A person doesn’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care.
• I am, I can, I will!
• Choose you this day whom ye will serve….but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)

My parents were entrepreneurs. My father’s work involved a lot of travel and he was a 2-million-miler on the airlines (like my future husband—an omen to come). He, too, wasn’t home most of the time, so I, too, was raised mainly in a single-parent home (another preparatory step for me). My parents had 4 beautiful daughters and one good-looking son. They wanted to help us avoid life’s pitfalls by setting high standards for our family. Everyone around us was not of our faith. I was in the world but not of the world. Our meals were very simple and nutritious but highly unorthodox (and pretty flavorless!). I rarely saw a doctor and had my first and only dentist visit as a senior in H.S.

I had high standards and chose to live by them:
• Wear modest clothing.
• Do not swear nor use foul language.
• Do not drink coffee, tea, alcohol, smoke, or do drugs
• Do not date until I’m 16 and start with group dates.
• No bear hugs, holding hands, arms around your back, huggy-bear dancing, and no kissing.
(I was saving my kisses for my husband, my one and only!)
• Know how to get answers to my prayers.
• Marry for time and all eternity in God’s temple.

Unlike Doug, I liked to flirt. I figured flirting was safe because I wouldn’t date until I was 16. Lots of guys really liked me but I just considered them great friends. My first “love” was in 9th Grade. The first time I saw Lynn singing in a choir, I thought I saw a glow about him. From then on I just “knew” Lynn was the one meant for me! He was tall, handsome, spiritual, had great standards and was a great ballroom dancer. He lived three cities away so I became his “secret admirer” and sent him notes, letters, and homemade goodies via a family friend. Every time I sang the romantic Carpenters songs, I thought about Lynn. (I was really nuts over him!) Kids were teasing both of us about liking each other so when we were both old enough to finally date, we never did! Lynn never even called me – EVER! I was totally crushed. He crushed my crush on him for good! (Can’t blame him, I must have seemed like a stalker or something!) My other 9th Grade “love” was Tim. I always knew I could never marry him because he was like a brother to me. He was so incredible, spiritual, mature, wise, smart, and again, a great dancer. We entered a regional church dance contest and won (as did Lynn and his dance partner). Boy, was I in heaven! The winners were sent to Annapolis to dance!!! I was able to dance with Lynn 4x that dreamy night! My mother was always hoping I’d marry Tim someday. My whole family loved him. It never crossed my mind. He was just my best guy friend till I married Doug.

My 2nd semester at BYU, I fell in love with Lee, a 25-yr-old navy man who was short, dark, handsome, kind, spiritual, not a dancer, but that’s another story. We dated 3 months, (my first official kiss during that time) and he wanted to marry me. When I prayed about him, I received a definite “no” answer. So I broke his heart and we went our separate ways. I am so grateful for faith and standards that helped me to remain clean and pure for my future husband, Doug!

I wanted to give you a perspective of how I was raised and what was important to me. So now I will add my memories of our first fairy-tale encounter 36 years ago…

I remember when Doug called me and asked me out on my first (and to become my last) blind date. My apartment was SO noisy. It was dinnertime and my five roommies were all in the kitchen (where the only phone resided). I took the landline phone receiver and stretched the phone cord as far as it would go, just beyond the kitchen door. There I sat with one hand to my ear and my back to the door, trying to decipher Doug’s deep-throated voice. I had never heard such a deep voice before! It intrigued me. I don’t remember the conversation lasting very long and I was somewhat ticked that I was having a hard time hearing everything he said because of the kitchen commotion.

BYU ended that week. I was in the process of deep-cleaning our apt for final inspection before I made my 3-day car trip back to Virginia. I was at my heaviest weight then. (Now that I’m “antique” [over 50 yrs old] my weight has gained more acceptance!) I figured that it was a free meal and he’d never be interested in me as heavy as I was, so I quickly got dressed for our double-date. I don’t remember showering for it or anything. It was a date up the canyon to eat a cow his family had raised and killed. This seemed so barbaric to me. I was going to eat a cow steak?! I couldn’t comprehend it. I certainly wasn’t looking forward to eating COW!! [I must explain. I was raised with little meat protein. Chili, stew, chicken soup, cottage cheese with fruit cocktail, scrambled eggs and mac&cheese with peas and Vienna sausages were basic dinner meals. We consumed milk, eggs and cheese. Pork chops were my dad’s specialty several times a year.] I wore my light-brown hair in braids and don’t remember putting on much, if any, makeup. It was a one-time, never-to-be-seen again date and I really didn’t know anything about Doug, but I loved Arlene and trusted her.

On the way over to Mapleton, I asked Arlene what Doug was like. She told me that he was tall, blonde (I thought ‘Oh, dear, he’s probably good looking, too—he’ll never remember me!’), and a spiritual giant. (This last quality REALLY impressed me. He was sharp! I figured I didn’t have a chance with him and didn’t give it any more thought.)

When I met Doug, he was good looking! Seemed very mature. Deep thinker. Quiet.
I don’t remember much at all about our picnic in the canyon except the canal and the cow. When we were hopping back and forth across the canal (which was foreign to me) I remember thinking how sneaky Doug was. I NEVER held hands with a guy, especially on a first date. (Remember, I usually only settled for first dates!) Chivalry? I don’t think so. However, it was sweet that he offered to take my hand so I wouldn’t fall in and get wet…and it felt SO good! (although it seemed that the “canal” was more like a cement irrigation ditch that I could have crossed by myself…!) I was really impressed with our cow picnic. The meat didn’t look like a cow at all (I didn’t realize that cow and beef were the same thing) and tasted so good!

As for the movie, Kidnapped, I had never read the book. I was totally clueless! The movie was SO confusing to me. I kept bugging Doug and asking him what was going on. (Never would recommend that movie for sure!)

Walking around the Provo Temple grounds was the best part of my blind date. Like Doug, I learned so much about what we both thought and yearned for and hoped for. When we got back to the Vaughn’s VW, we couldn’t see inside—the glass windows were thoroughly fogged over!

I remembered Doug taking me home alone in the car. (Vaughn wanted more time with his soon-to-be fiancé, alone!) What I do remember is Doug putting his arm around me. This felt so good but I had never let a boy do that with me, EVER before! And on a first date?! I even moved over to the middle of the bench seat! (What was I thinking? I knew I was going to marry him!) I would ask Doug a question about himself or his family and he immediately asked me the same questions! So I did what any naïve girl would do -- I answered his questions (which were really my questions for him)! By the time he dropped me off, he knew everything about me and I knew nothing about him. Funny thing was I was totally enamored by him! Doug made me feel so special. I don’t remember the kisses at the door at all (they must not have knocked me off my feet).

I do remember thinking how I had dated really sharp guys but they all seemed to pale in comparison to Doug. I wrote in my journal that night, “I met a wonderful man tonight. His name is Doug Clower?...” I didn’t even know how to spell or pronounce his last name! I only remembered his first name, a name I would come to love and revere and honor. But I did know that my body was feeling the effects of one incredible night! When I kneeled by my bed to say my prayers, I asked, “Is he the one I’m supposed to marry?” That was all I said about Doug. And I slept peacefully, until 6 am! I was suddenly awakened by different voices coming into my mind saying, “He’s the one you’re to marry. Don’t counsel the Lord. He knows what’s best for you,” etc etc etc. These voices continued until 7am when I said in my mind, “OK. I’ll marry him!” At that moment, the voices left and I got up. For the next six hours, I felt as though I was in a different dimension. I was on the earth but truly felt like I was apart from it. I went to church and had this high vibrational feeling the whole time. It felt like the powerful feeling I’ve had when I’m testifying of the Savior to someone but 100x stronger. I can’t explain it. I only knew that it was real and I had had a direct answer to my humble prayer. I have never experienced that kind of intense, overpowering feeling since.

Boy, I was so excited to see the man I knew I was going to marry! At 1pm that afternoon, Doug came to the door of my apt and offered me his hand. When I took hold of his hand, this high vibrational feeling left and I was relieved to be on “earth” again.

While he drove me to Cascade Springs, I remember looking at him differently. After all, I was looking at my future husband! I wondered what the day would come and I was just taking everything in as we talked and sang a lot of church hymns in the car. As we neared Cascade Springs, Doug asked me to close my eyes (he didn’t want me to see Cascade Springs), which I did. He didn’t put a scarf around my eyes, he simply asked and I obeyed. The following experience taught me all that I would ever want or need to know about Doug’s “core”—who he really was. For the next 20 min Doug lead me on a trail through Cascade Springs with my eyes closed. (I never even tried to peek! I trusted him.) At times he would hold my hand, other times, not, as I tried to find my own way on a “sightless” path. I could hear rushing water by my feet. Sometimes Doug would take a tin can with a rock inside and shake it back and forth.
I was to walk alone and follow the sound (a still, small “voice”). Other times he would hold a stick and have me hold onto the stick as we walked through this little paradise. Periodically, Doug would have me stop and ask me to try and visualize what my eyes couldn’t see. At the end of walk, he asked me to open my eyes and not say a word. I did so. (We were at the beginning of our walk.) What I saw was unbelievable to me. I thought Utah was dry and desolate and ugly, but before my eyes was a vision of green plants, flowers and trees with a rock-lined stream that meandered by a very narrow dirt path (which had some steep drop-off areas!) through this oasis in the middle of a desert mountain! He then took me by the hand and led me on the path we had just walked, in silence, stopping me once again to try and remember what I had visualized before. It was more than I had imagined possible in this dry place. (Utah was desolate, or so I thought, and you had to plant trees. In Virginia you had to remove trees to plant houses!)

After that experience, I felt like I had known him forever. He was my best friend. I felt as though there was nothing more I could learn about Doug. We were soul mates.

We didn’t talk much on our way back to the Provo Temple that evening. It was as though I could read Doug’s thoughts. Talking wasn’t necessary. Listening with my heart and head was enough. Sitting in the car by the temple grounds, Doug asked me, “If I were to ask you to marry me, what would you say?” I responded, “I’d have to say yes, because I know I’m supposed to marry you!” Doug then asked, “May I kiss you?” I said, “Yes, because I know I’m supposed to marry you.” (Dumb, huh! I was SO not romantic at a potentially romantic moment!) Then Doug gave me a kiss.

At this point you need to know that “Cinderella” was my favorite fairy tale. I knew my prince charming would come some day and sweep me off my feet and carry me away to his palace and we’d live happily ever after. Well, my prince charming had come but the kiss didn’t sweep me off my feet. I was always expecting fireworks or bells or something fantastic. Nada. Doug asked me again if he could kiss me. I said, “Yes because I know I’m supposed to marry you but nothing happened the first time!” So, he kissed me a second time. Mind you, our lips were pursed shut (fortunately!). Nothing happened the second time. Well, Doug asked me a third time if he could kiss me and I said, “Yes.” We kissed. He stopped having to ask me after that kiss and I stopped counting… (Years later I asked Doug how he knew how to kiss? He said he had practiced on the few girls he had dated before me – they taught him how! The nerve of him! Here I was saving ALL my great kisses for him!...good thing I didn’t think to ask him about his kissing that night!)
We then discussed what names we wanted to give our children, how many, when we were going to get married, which temple, etc etc etc. [Remember, I was leaving for VA for the summer and we had so little time to discuss these important topics!] Doug was planning on ROTC so we considered getting married in August. I remember telling Doug, “Just because you’re the right one doesn’t mean it’s the right time. I have to pray about it!” And, pray about it, I did. Now that’s another story!

I knew who I was going to marry at 19. Females leave on missions at 21. I figured the Lord wouldn’t tell me who I was going to marry at 19 unless he wasn’t planning on me serving a mission for Him at 21. I only had one year of college and the prospects of getting my degree before I married wasn’t in the picture. I was already SO in love with Doug!!!

In hindsight, I’ve always thought it was great that the Lord let Doug know he was going to marry me when he saw me. Had he have really known what he was getting himself in for, he might have wanted to reconsider! Boy, was I inexperienced, gullible and naïve, which was turned out to be a GREAT thing!!

That night, I called my oldest sister, Bonnie. She and her husband were in Utah visiting his relatives. I told her I knew who I was going to marry. Bonnie responded, “It’s okay, Judy. You’ll be leaving in two days for Virginia. When you get back there, we’ll take care of everything.” I couldn’t believe it. My wise sister who’s valued opinion took me for a loop.
She didn’t believe me! I thought, if SHE didn’t believe me, nobody would! So I vowed I’d keep my mouth shut for the summer (it would be our “secret”) until I could see Doug again at BYU.

The next night we drove to Salt Lake City to return my borrowed cookware to Bonnie. I directed Doug on a wild ride trying to find that SLC address! [It took me one MARRIED year of driving on Utah streets to understand the N,E,S,W street names!] What was only a couple of blocks away to ended up being a 1 ½ hr drive throughout SLC, including a view of the night lights up on the mountain. [I think Doug married me to polish his patience!]

When we parted for the summer, Doug gave me an man’s silver agate ring to wear. The agate reminded me of Cascade Springs—it looked like the trees I had seen. So, he wrapped duct tape around the narrow part so that it would stay on my finger. He was right. Every time I looked at the ring, I immediately was taken back to that magical place. Little did I know that any guy seeing that ring wouldn’t even try and ask me out! Smart, Doug! However, I never wanted to date anyone again. I had found my one and only!!!

During the summer of ’71, Doug would compose guitar music and record it on a cassette tape for me. We had a long-distance, letter-writing and audio-tape relationship. Five-minute phone calls were sparse. And this is just the three-day beginning of the rest of our lives together.
But that’s another story…

One more thing. Remember how I said after Cascade Springs, I knew Doug as well as I ever could? That was true until we married and went grocery shopping. I went for the Grapenuts and Doug went for the Cornflakes! I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t know I liked crunchy and I didn’t know he liked soggy! (I thought for sure this was an omen for rough times ahead!) I thought I knew Doug! We made a compromise—I ate my cornflakes immediately so they stayed crunchy, and Doug sogged his Grapenuts for 5 min before eating them. Whew! That was a close call for me…until I saw Doug put his piece of cake in a bowl and pour milk over it!... :)

Just thought you might be interested in knowing that since I’ve known Doug, I’ve encountered a lot of “first-times” for me:
• Eating an avacado, raw rhubarb and artichoke and discovering their differences
• Discovering the flavors of spices I’d never ever heard of before!
• Eating steak, Mexican food, oysters, crab, fish, clams, frog legs, snake, escargot, calamari, ashcakes, dutch-oven everything (to name a few!)…
• Hunting & fishing and all that went with it!
• Real camping [I only knew KOAs w/showers and toilets]
• Shooting guns, targets and clay pigeons [and they don’t even have wings!]
• Seeing and learning how to spot and call deer, elk and ducks.
• Seeing foxes, rock chucks, ermines and setting traps to catch mice.
• Discovering and learning why some cow pies are green.
• Discovering how flies and chickens mate
• How to cook rice [you don’t stir it for 20 min!]
• Learning how to fry an egg and not serve a Frisbee!
• How to tease and take teasing.
• Rappelling [I was 8 mos pregnant w/our first child and then went Commando style!]
• Discovering the difference between a green pepper and jalepenos!
• Milking a cow and gathering eggs.
• Gathering wild asparagus, mushrooms and watercress.
• Learning that deer, fox and fish live in Virginia of all places!!!
• Riding a snowmobile and four wheeler
• Penicillan, allergies and HIVES!
• Riding in a boat
• Learning what constipation, diarrhea, hemorrhoids and flatulence were!
• Raising dogs.
• Seeing, hearing and feeding hummingbirds from my hand.
• And much, much more!

Looking back 36 years later, would I do it all over again? ABSOLUTELY! (We have six choice children and 9.4 cuter-than-a-bug’s ear, brilliant grandchildren that can to attest to that fact!)
I love Doug. He is my best friend, advisor, confidant, and the one I want to live with through all eternity! Thanks for the listening. Wow! What a guy!!!! Doug is a visionary, a leader and a sensitive, caring, understanding man. Heritage Makers is his love and passion (next to me, of course!) And I think he’s a pretty incredible man!

Love to you all!
Judy